Hello my friends and welcome to the Mom-entum podcast.  If this is you’re first time listening, welcome, I’m so glad you’re here, and know that you belong here.  And for all you loyal long time listeners, thank you so much for being here, for spending your valuable time with me today and welcome back!

 

And if you’re listening today, I’m guessing you are someone who deeply cares about your children.  

 

You take your role as a parent seriously and you want to do your best to steer them in the right direction, to prepare them for life and set them up for success in the future.  

 

You want to protect them, to shield them from any struggle or harm.  And I respect that, and I feel the same way. Of course we don’t want our kids struggle.  But here’s the thing.  They are going to struggle.  None of us can go through this life without some sort of a struggle, without experiencing pain.  People die, that’s a fact, and when the people closest to us die, we are sad, it is a painful experience.  

 

Kids tease,  our children may be in situations where they might feel left out.  They will face conflict, whether that be in the home, at school, or some extracurricular activity.  So knowing that struggle is inevitable, what do we do about that?  

 

I think there are 2 things, really that we can do. 

 

The first step is asking ourselves: How can we best prepare our kids to handle struggle?

I believe the most important thing we can do is simply be there with them. Walk through it alongside them. Validate and acknowledge their feelings, even if what they’re upset about seems small to us. For example, if your child is frustrated because their sibling ate the last donut, instead of brushing it off with, “It’s not a big deal,” you might say, “I can see you’re really upset — it’s hard when something feels unfair.” That acknowledgment helps them feel seen and heard.

And when challenges come up — whether it’s sibling fights, us as parents losing our cool, or our kids not getting what they want — we can remember that these moments are practice runs. They’re opportunities to teach and equip our kids with tools to cope, while the stakes are still low and they’re safe under our roof.

Each struggle they face is a chance to build resilience. It’s like lifting weights — the discomfort strengthens their “emotional muscles” so they can bounce back, recover, and grow stronger for the bigger challenges they’ll face later in life.

 

So the 2nd thing we can do about the inevitable struggles our kids will face is to change our perspective, how we view struggle.  Instead of viewing it as a bad thing, can we ask ourselves this question, and maybe teach our kids to ask themselves the same question, and that is: what is the opportunity here?  What is this here to teach me?  

 

 I’ve heard Jamie Kern Lima say “our setbacks are God’s set ups”.  And she talks about her own struggles with having Rosacea, which if you don’t know what that is, it’s a chronic skin condition that causes redness and sometimes acne-like bumps on the face.  But anyway, the rosacea that she struggled with for years led her to create her own make up that would completely mask the redness, after she struggled for years with make up that just wouldn’t work and seemed to make the condition worse.  And through her grit and persistence, she ended up turning that cosmetic company into a billion dollar brand and selling it to Loreal for a whopping $1.2 billion.  Today she speaks on stages globally and hosts the #1 rated self-improvement podcast, sharing her story to inspire others.

 

This just goes to show that the things we struggle with can be turned into something good. They are shaping us into the person we are meant to be, if we will only allow it.

 

Human suffering is actually necessary.  Our suffering refines us.  Yes it is not fun, and it is painful, and we would never wish for it.  But by bumping up against it, resisting it, saying that this shouldn’t be this way, that shouldn’t have happened, it makes things so much worse. 

 

 It adds suffering on top of the suffering.  

 

I like to give this example of my son at the dentist years ago.  I remember watching him  in the chair as the hygienist was trying to clean his teeth.  His face was flushed, his body was tense, wriggling around, and he was pulling away from her.  And it made the experience so much worse for him, it made it harder on the hygienist trying to clean his teeth, and quite honestly it was hard for me to watch.  And if he would have just relaxed into it, and if he allowed the experience, just lay there and allow this woman to clean his teeth, it would’ve been a much more pleasant experience for him.  

 

And this is what we do when we resist the suffering in our lives.  And by resist I mean wasting our time arguing with reality.  Saying to ourselves either in our heads or to others that this shouldn’t have happened.  Ruminating on it.  Complaining about it.  Or arguing about it.  This all adds to the suffering and gets us further and further away from coming up with a solution.

 

So what inspired today’s episode was I was talking to a friend recently and she was saying that she has been struggling with her daughter lately and that she’s just not listening to her.  She said that when she talks to her daughter, she feels like the teacher from Charlie Brown, and that her daughter is not hearing anything she says.  

Now she’s telling me this and I was just thinking well yeah, that’s pretty normal.  I mean, my kids do this, too. It’s like they are busy doing something, maybe they are in the middle of drawing a picture, or building something, or watching a show, and they are fully immersed in that thing, so yeah, they are not going to listen the first time, most likely.  Totally understandable.  

 

And what I want to mention here is that we all have this thing called the reticular activating system and it is a filter for our brain.  It filters out all of the unimportant stimulus or information and lets in only the things it views as important.  I love how Mel Robbins describes the RAS, she calls it the bouncer in our brain, deciding who will be allowed in.  

 

This is important to our survival because think about it, we are surrounded by an abundance of stimulus and distraction.  If we allowed everything in, every little sound, everything within our field of vision, every sensation, we would be so overwhelmed and we would not be able to function in the world.  And in a dangerous situation, like for example if we had a lion chasing us, we would need to be hyperfocused on a few things, where the lion is, where we are, and the quickest way out of there, or is there anything close by that we can use to protect ourselves.  

 

So maybe the fact that your kid isn’t listening shows that they have a completely healthy, functioning RAS, it’s just that the things that you and her value as important are just not aligned at this exact moment. Something to think about.

 

I'm curious,  do your kids listen?  My guess is, your answer is not always. And if that’s your answer, congratulations, your kid is normal.  Now of course, there may be times where maybe you do want to seek professional help for your child’s inattentiveness.  But I think for the majority of people listening today that is not the case.  But if that is you, if for example your child has been diagnosed with ADHD or you suspect they may have a diagnosis like this, ok, well then what I’m about to say will still apply and serve you and help you to show up for them in a way that will be beneficial to the both of you.

 

So let’s pause and get honest with ourselves by asking: “Okay, my kid isn’t listening…but why is that even a problem for me?”

Most of the time, the problem isn’t actually their behavior—it’s what we’re making it mean about us as parents. Are you telling yourself, “I’m a bad parent,” or “Her not listening is a reflection of me”? Do you start catastrophizing—jumping way ahead into the future? Like, “If she doesn’t listen now, she’ll struggle in school, maybe she has ADHD, maybe she’ll never be able to focus without medication, she won’t get into college, she won’t land a good job…” You see how quickly our brain spirals. And to make things even more confusing, you can find research to back up almost any belief you want to hold.

This is why I love using a coaching tool called the Model—because it slows us down. It helps us separate the facts from the story in our heads. It shows us that it’s not the circumstance—whether that’s your child not doing their homework or your spouse forgetting your birthday—that creates the problem. It’s our thinking about the circumstance. And that’s actually really empowering, because our thoughts are where all our power lies.

When we can see our own mind clearly, we can notice the results we’re creating unintentionally—and then choose, with intention, what we want to create instead.

So let’s walk through what that looks like in a real-life situation by putting it into a model.

 

And if you are interested in learning more about the model I’ve gone over this in a previous episode which I will link in the show notes, or I’d be happy to answer your questions and go over it with you personally on a free coaching call, which you can book by going to tanyavalentinecoaching.com and click on work with me to get started!

 

So we start by separating the facts from the story 

and getting a really clean, factual circumstance.  So “my kids not listening” is actually not a fact.  It’s a thought.  Here’s why.  Because it can’t be proven in a court of law that he’s not listening, there is no blood test that he or she could take that would confirm yup he’s not listening.  And not everyone in the world would agree that he or she is not listening.  And what does that even mean your kid isn’t listening.  It’s not specific enough.  I’m sure there are times when he or she does listen.  So let’s get specific, the more specific, the better.

 

So let’s say the circumstance is that I told my daughter to do her homework 3 times before she complied.

 

Ok now let’s just say your thought about that is simply she doesn’t listen.

 

Now how do you feel when you think that.  My guess is frustrated.

 

Now what do you do when you feel frustrated because you are thinking she doesn’t listen. You might raise your tone. Maybe you yell, or you speak sternly to her. You make threats like if you don’t do your homework now then you are not getting your tablet for a week. And you don’t speak calmly to her, the way you would speak to a friend. I swear if I ever spoke to a friend the way I speak to my kids sometimes I would have no friends. But anyway, get honest with yourself: how are you actually being with your child. You probably are not taking the time to get curious and wonder or even ask her why she is having a hard time listening. Is it that she just doesn’t want to do it now. Is it that her mind is preoccupied with something that happened at school? 

 

You're not asking her what’s on her mind from a place of frustration. You're not including her in creating a routine for homework, it’s your way or the highway. Maybe she needs some time after school to unwind and have a snack, and mentally decompress from the day. But you want to get it done right away, you don’t want her to get into the habit of procrastinating, but you’re not including her in the plan, you're not coming up with a compromise. And then who’s the one not listening? 

The result you create is your not listening to your daughter. You are not listening to her cues that this is hard for her and she needs some assistance, some more support.

 

Now on the flip side, you can decide what result you want to create on purpose.

 

So listen. You cannot create someone else's result. You can only control your thoughts, your feelings and your actions, and therefore your result.  But you cannot control the way another person thinks, feels and behaves.  And this is great news. Because that lets you off the hook. I don’t know about you but i don’t want to be responsible for another persons feelings, I have a hard enough time taking responsibility for my own.  But listen, you can influence them.  So keeping that in mind.  Now answer what is the result you want to create.  Maybe its that i create a homework routine with my daughter that works for the both of us.  Ok thats your result.  Now what might you have to do, or not do, in order to create that result.

 

This is moving up to your A line or action line of the model.  You might have to get curious and wonder why she might be pushing back, or why she might not listen the first time.  

 

Well first, there’s always that she genuinely may not have heard you because she was so engrossed in something or in her thoughts thinking about her day.  So how do we solve for this.  

 

Get down to her eye level.  Look her in the eye.  Make sure she is looking you in the eye and you have her attention, say her name, and say “(daughter’s name, hey I know you just got home from a long day of school and you must feel like you want some time to relax.  How about I set a timer for 5 minutes, get you a snack. And you can sit and eat your snack, but when that timer goes off, its time to get our homework done.  And why is this important.  Because that way we get it out of the way and you can enjoy the rest of your evening and you can do whatever you want with the peace of mind knowing that you already got your homework done and therefore it’s off your plate and you don’t have to think about it.  I want you to do it as soon as possible really because I want what’s best for you.”  And then you say this in a super calm tone.  You're not stern, You talk to her the way you would talk to a dear friend, not authoritatively.  And maybe you get curious with her and you ask is there anything I can do to support you and make this easier for you?  Like maybe I get your homework out of your bag for you and set a pencil there for you.  

 

Now some of you might think but then that's doing it for her, and she needs to learn responsibility and she needs to get into the habit of doing it herself. Well, slow down.  Your just prepping the environment, youre not doing the homework for her.

 

And if she’s having a hard time getting started, then how can we set her up for success so that it is easier for her to do her homework when you ask the first time.  Maybe start by not even having to ask her because you make it part of a routine.  She comes home, goes to the bathroom and washes her hands, then she comes to the kitchen, eats a snack and then she does her homework.  Maybe you make a fun routine chart to remind her, something with boxes she can check off after each task is completed, i know my kids love to do this. Maybe you can even include her in creating the routine chart, that will just increase the likelihood of her following through with it because its something she created or co-created.

 

And you prep the environment for her in order to make it easier to perform this routine by getting her homework and writing utensil out and ready.  

 

Another thought,  maybe she has been away from you all day and she is missing you and craving some of your attention but she just can’t get herself to verbalize it.  Maybe you sit there with her and offer to help when she needs it. Or just be that calm presence next to her, just be with her.  Dont you enjoy just being with the people you love, not having to say or do anything, but you just feel comforted that they are right there with you? I know I do!

 

Ok so those are some actions you could take, now moving up the model to the f line or the feeling line.  What do you think you would need to feel in order to do all those things.  My suggestion would be curiosity.  Just wondering what can I do to help her, how can I influence her.  And I wonder what’s going on for her that’s making this such a struggle.  And how can I make it easier, how can I support her, how can I show up in a way that I want to, in a way that I’m not telling her to do her homework to be mean, but instead because I love her and I want what's best for her, and how can I do this in a way that I can feel good about and that would make us feel more connected.

 

Ok so moving up the model to the T or thought line.  What would I have to be thinking or telling myself in order to feel curious.  How about I wonder how we can work together to make this easier on the both of us.  And instead of shutting that question down with i dont know.  Don’t allow yourself to quit that easy.  Your brain will go this is too hard, it takes up too much brain power to think about this.  But don’t do that to yourself. You always know.  If you did know, what do you think the answer to that would be.  And it just opens you up to considering all of the options available to you that would be blocked if you just went to that automatic thought of she doesn’t listen to me.

 

I want you to really think about it.   When you catch yourself thinking “she doesn’t listen”, pay attention to all the ways that you are actually  not listening to your child.  Crazy right? And no, you are not a bad parent, we all do this.  We were not taught to think this way.  That’s why coaching is such a great tool.  You take the time to actually slow down and think about your responses.  Why you responded the way you did how you were feeling and thinking that led to that response and that result you created for yourself.

 

and then it helps us plan for the future when we decide ahead of time and with intention how we want to think, feel and respond in order to get the result we want. 

 

And what do we want at the end of the day?  Do you want your kids to listen? 

 

 Ok, well let’s look deeper at that.  Why do you want your kids to listen? Because you want them to be safe, because you don’t want them to hurt themselves or others. Ok those are all valid, but lets look even deeper.

 

 Could you it be so that you won’t have to feel an emotion like frustration, anger, irritation, annoyance, which is what you feel when they don’t listen? Because many times that is why we want them to listen. We want them to listen because it’s so hard when they don’t. It feels bad.

 

It’s hard to know what to do in those moments when we are emotionally charged.  We just wish our kids would listen and do what they’re told so that we didn’t have to get all worked up like this.  And when we are emotionally charged,what do we end up doing? The very thing that our kids do, we throw a temper tantrum when we don’t get our way.  When they don’t listen and they don’t do as we say, we have a mommy meltdown because essentially we are not getting what we want, which is for them to listen.  

 

And listen, I’m telling you this as someone who has experienced this firsthand, I mean on an almost daily basis this happens.  

 

But let's just have a look at this so that we are not saying our kid is the problem and have a look at how am I participating in this. Because if we can see our role, that is what we have the power to change. We can’t change someone else’s behavior, no, not even our kids. We can’t force them to behave a certain way. Sorry, I’ve tried, we can’t. 

 

But we can influence them and we can shift our focus on what we can do. How can we think about this differently? How do I need to feel in order to show up in a way that would foster connection, would cause our children to lean in rather than want to pull away from us. Because if I came up to you and I was like you have to make your bed right now, I’ve told you three times to make your bed today, and you’re not watching tv until it’s finished! You’d be like,this woman is crazy, I don’t want to be around her. Right? Youd be like what in the actual, what is wrong with her? But this is how we talk to our children, right? I know I do, and then we expect them to comply.  Well no wonder they shut down, don’t listen and it seems like we are the teacher from Charlie Brown, wawawa.

 

 Alternatively, you could get solution focused and be like what can I do to increase the likelihood of this happening. Like asking your daughter for suggestions. Asking why she thinks she can’t remember to do it. Maybe she needs a visual reminder, like a routine chart as I mentioned before. Or maybe it’s that you as the parent have not been consistently communicating this expectation to her.  

 

Children don’t have a fully developed brain, they need reminders, they get distracted easily.  And to be honest, things like making their bed, well it’s just not a priority for them.  So that’s fine, we as the parent just need to manage our expectations, remember that they are kids, and do our job as the parent and do what we need to do to remind them, ideally without getting upset about it.  

And to be honest, even we need reminders to do things, albeit our list of things to do and remember is quite long, but still, we have an adult brain and years of experience that helps increase our capacity to remember things and take on more.

 

So let’s bring this all together.

We talked today about how struggle is not only inevitable, but also essential for our kids — and for us. Instead of trying to shield them from every hardship, we can walk alongside them, validate their feelings, and remind ourselves that these “practice runs” at home are opportunities for them to build resilience. Each challenge is like lifting a little more weight, strengthening their emotional muscles so they can handle bigger challenges later in life.

We also talked about shifting our own perspective — asking, what’s the opportunity here? How is this struggle shaping me or my child into who we’re meant to become? When we resist and argue with reality, we add unnecessary suffering. But when we lean in, we often discover growth, connection, and even hidden gifts.

And then we zoomed in on a real-life example — kids not listening. It’s so easy for our minds to make their behavior mean something negative about us as parents, or to spin out into catastrophizing about their whole future. But when we slow down and use tools like the Model, we see clearly: the problem isn’t the circumstance, it’s what we’re thinking about it. That’s where our power lies. And when we choose curiosity over frustration, we show up in ways that foster connection and actually help our kids succeed.

At the end of the day, what do we really want? Not just for our kids to listen so we feel less frustrated — but for them to grow into capable, resilient, compassionate humans. And that starts with us. It starts with modeling presence, patience, and the willingness to see struggle not as something to avoid, but as something that refines us.

So my encouragement for you this week is to notice: when your child struggles, or when you feel frustrated with their behavior, pause and ask yourself, what am I making this mean? and what’s the opportunity here? You may be surprised how much lighter, calmer, and more connected things feel when you do.

Thank you so much for spending your time with me today. If this episode spoke to you, I’d love it if you shared it with another mom who might need the reminder. And if you want more support applying the Model to your own parenting challenges, you can always book a free coaching call with me at tanyavalentinecoaching.com.

Until next time, remember: you and your kids are doing the best you can, and the struggles you face are not setbacks — they’re setups for growth.  Talk to you in a couple weeks! Bye!